My simple guide on how to not suck at internet dating

                All my single ladies, this one is for you. Tired of being alone? Cuddling your body pillow at night? Living in Grey and Black? I’m here to fucking help you get a boyfriend off the motha fuckin’ internet. You’re probably thinking, “Right Chelsea, like I will take your advice. You haven’t had a boyfriend in like a million years.” Well, I would have one if men would just do what I want them to or if I cared about others more than I do myself. So, with that said I will tell you how to *not* get a boyfriend through online dating based off my unsuccessful experience.  If you DO NOT follow this then you will for sure have a boyfriend. Eventually.

How to *NOT* get a boyfriend via internet:

Engaging in internet dating is a perfect way to meet creepy perverts and men with low self esteem. Spend at least five days in the mirror of your bathroom taking pictures of yourself on either your camera phone or digital camera (if your don’t have either of those then picture from five years ago that you found on Friendster will do ONLY if you look skinny and fierce). Make sure to get all the right angles and that the lighting is just right. If your teeth are fucked then do a lot of pouty lip and kissy face shots. After you have picked out at least six different pictures of yourself wearing different outfits and accessories upload them on your computer.  Make sure to include at least two of the pictures with you wearing sunglasses, preferably big ones that cover the majority of your face so you look like a mysterious woman in the night. DO NOT take pictures of yourself on the toilet, you’re not using Myspace to find dates ladies. After the pictures have been uploaded go into Photoshop or whatever software you have on your computer to fix and edit them. Change at least three of the pictures to black and white and contrast the shit out of them. This will make you appear more attractive and look like you’re artistic with the camera! You can make one of them Sepia if you prefer.  Now that you look like the best enhanced version of yourself in the pictures it’s time to make your profile! I would recommend a site that doesn’t cost anything like Ok Cupid or Plenty of Fish. These sites are going to ask you to create a username and password to log in. Your username will be visible to all those bachelors so go for something slutty like 2cute2swallow or ilovecock123. Make your password easy to remember like, sortofpathetic1. Now it is time to upload your pictures. Obviously pick the best one as your main picture; it will probably be the one with you wearing sunglasses so add a witty caption that says, ‘I wear my sunglasses at night.’ This will let guys know that you are aware of shitty 80’s music.

Now that your pictures are all uploaded it’s time to add some context to that naked profile. The best part of internet dating is that you can lie! The site will ask you to describe yourself. Whatever type of person you are write the opposite of that. If you are a bubbly college student looking to meet new people in a new town then say that you are a grad student trying to make sense in this city that seems so redundant to you. Most men will see that as a green light to move forward with you because you’re looking for something new and different.  When the site asks you what your hobbies are write things that seem super fascinating like photography, running, reading, ect. Men will not be into you if you say that you enjoy watching reruns of Roseanne on TV Land in your spare time. If your hobbies really are running, reading and photography then you probably don’t need to be internet dating.

Most sites will ask what you’re looking for. This is huge. Make sure to write what you really are looking for but be sure to exaggerate a bit because duh, you did, so most likely your “perfect” man probably did the same. If you are a tall Amazon bitch then make sure you say that you’re looking for someone AT least 6’2”. Men ALWAYS lie about their height. If they write in their profile that they’re 5’10” that really means they’re 5’8”.

Now that your profile is ready to go it is time to start sifting through endless messages. This is where you can be super creative. All of the fuck wads on this site think that you are the shit from what they have seen so take your pick! After you sign up you will have a handful’s of messages from these men to choose from if you followed these rules. When you get to this point you will weed out the fatties and only concentrate on the ones that you find attractive. Once you have found those *special* few start messaging them, always make sure to use the thesaurus and dictionary so that you sound smarter than you really are. 

If one of the the internet hotties want to meet you then agree!  Recommend a bar to go to. The lighting in bars is always very dim so you will look more attractive and you can get drunk!

Before you go on your date drink at least three bottles of beer to calm the nerves. Go to the bar to meet the guy and talk mostly about your father and how he abandoned you. This will make the guy think you have “daddy” issues and that you’re an easy fuck. He will ask you to come back to his place so DO IT duh, you’re drunk as shit and he is o.k. looking.

This is where it gets serious bitches. Once you get back to his place sober the fuck up. Ask for some water, juice, Tylenol and bread. Look around for pictures of him with other people. Ask who those people are. Ask him what his relationship is like with his grandparents. Ask him what his best score in Pac Man is, I don’t care what you ask him just do not imply that you have a vagina. You do NOT want to fuck this douchebag. He is going to try to have his way with you. DO NOT let that happen. If he starts kissing you on your neck and you start to feel week then you can dry-hump him but DO NOT fuck this tool. If you can’t control yourself and do resort to dry-humping him eventually cyber-perv will make a mess in his pants and then you can laugh and say you have to go.

After this happens go to Taco Bell order a bean burrito fresco style, go home, eat your burrito, delete your online dating profile and go to bed and cuddle your body pillow. 

What I Learned In 2010

                                                        What I have learned in 2010




1. I get nothing done after 8:00 p.m. unless it involves beer
2. Homeless people and stray cats are exactly alike, if you give them a cigarette once they will always ask you for one
3. I don’t like homeless people
4. Not having the internet is a cheap excuse for going to the bar and spending too much money on booze
5. Downloading music illegally will resolve in your lap top getting AIDS
6. Having a land lady that is in her 80’s is great because you always get shortbread and decaf coffee when you pay your rent
7. I like the song ‘Almost Crimes’ better acoustic than I do the album version
8. Chris Farley actually did more than just yell out what he was saying
9. I still really like the color green after all these years
10. Having a baby is nothing like having a cat because you can’t change a babies name two weeks after birth
11. I spend way too much money renting sitcoms and way too much time watching them
12. Jason Schwartzman shows up in media when you least expect it
13. I still quote lines from “The Hangover”
14. I’m not racist, I thought I was because I know a black person who smells real bad and I don’t like bad smells so I associated his color with that, but after smelling other black people I have realized that it is just the one person that smells that way
15. If you compliment Taco Bell employee’s on their customer service you might get free cinnamon twists
16. Golden Harvest is the only place to go in Lansing for breakfast
17. I get so excited about the Beastie Boys that I run into walls
18. Hiring people at a coffee shop that wear glasses usually works out well
19. I need a new pair of glasses
20. You really only do need five hours of sleep to stay alive the next day
21. Getting business cards really does make you feel better about yourself
22. I will never cut my hair short again
23. Notorious B.I.G was really the greatest rapper to ever live
24. I discovered a way to make old newspaper into art
25. Having a Facebook account is almost as bad as having a cocaine addiction
26. Power chugging PBR is a good way to power through being tired
27. LaToya is really good at making vegan cupcakes
28. I am only stuck on myself because I am not stuck on someone else
29. I will never home school my unborn child
30. The only things I crave when I am hung over is Earth and Jar and fountain soda
31. I still can’t spell the word ‘definitely’ without using spell check or T9
32. I can go a week without having a cell phone
33. I will never drink Whiskey again
34. Mates of State make any Sunday morning better
35. I secretly wish I worked at a Laundromat so that I could wear sweatpants every day to work
36. Going to the hospital without insurance is a close second to getting raped in the ass
37. Waffle fries taste better with vegan queso dip
38. Having a small bathroom is nice when you need to pee and wash your hands at the same time
39. Applebees has karaoke on Wednesday nights
40. I love living with gay men
41. I have the power to walk away from someone if they are boring me with what they’re saying
42. If alcohol is left at my house I will drink it
43. My cats are happy playing with wine corks and lighters
44. Brown rice is only good if it’s cooked thoroughly
45. You can get a ticket if you spend “too much” time in the left hand lane on the interstate
46. I still love to see people slip and fall
47. Smoking pot ends up in me falling asleep with potato chips in my mouth and dumpster mouth in the morning
48. I only like men if they’re at least five years older than me
49. Comic Sans font is only appropriate if used in 1996 while IMing and internet boyfriend that lives in New York
50. I’m fucking awesome

Do not read if you have children, values, or love Mariah Carey

        Alright Bitches, let’s talk about Christmas. What I really want to know is what sort of gifts were being be given around Bethlehem on the 25th?? Last time I checked Jesus was getting Mirth and Frankincense. Not digital cameras and Mad Men season two on DVD. I want to zap back to the good ol’ days of BC and give people cigarette ashes and say that they are getting long fancy words like youngjuvelicious and everyone will think I am giving them something real great and spectacular.


         Seriously, my apartment looks like Santa’s retarded workshop. I have an absolute love/hate relationship with Christmas. I love it because, duh, I get presents like Mad Men season two on DVD. ALSO, I can blame my alcohol addiction on the Holidays. God bless spirits. I hate it because due to my alcohol addiction I have to use my artistic ability to make everyone I love homemade presents. I know what you’re thinking, “Chelsea, nobody wants a macaroni ornament.” Duh, I know that. If there is was one thing you should know by now that is that I am the shit and I give awesome homemade presents. ANYWAY, back to what else I hate about Christmas.. The fucking music. I turned Christmas music on at the coffee shop the first week of December and at first, I was a bit fuzzy inside. There is nothing like the beginning of the season when you hear, “All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey. Come the eighteenth time you wish that the fat bitch would choke on a ham sandwich Mama Cass style. Which by the way I am still not convinced that was really what happened to her, but that’s a story for a different time. We have all seen Love Actually, we all know how it ends up, so suck it Mariah.

           Speaking of Christmas and the birth of Jesus, let’s talk about the birth of my child that hasn’t happened… But, could have.

             Since I was fourteen I have been getting my period and it has always been on time right down to the time. The eve before Thanksgiving eve I hooked up with a guy and from what I remember it was stellar. Last week I was supposed to get my period on Wednesday. Come Friday, still no dice. This is when I began to panic a little. This is also when I am grateful that I have the world’s greatest friends. I called Joe Joe and told him about my predicament and he immediately made me feel better by saying that he would put my abortion on his credit card so that he could get reward points. By this point I am sure you all know that I ended up getting my period and that I am going to burn in Hell. Well, that may be so, but I can live with that. Just like I can live with the fact I won’t be getting a child I don’t want this year for Christmas.

Audrey's Back Bitches!

Okay bitches, I know it's been a while and I can spend the rest of this post explaining why I have been absent but I am not going to because just like doing my laundry, I don't feel like it. I would rather just spray it with febreeze and pretend it never happened. So instead I am going to start this with telling you what I hate most right now and why. I am going to make a list and label it "Things I Hate Right Now and Why". I fucking love lists. I also have just recently re-opened my love for Garbage. The band, not trash you perves. But, this is not the time for things I love.. That is in another segment I like to call, "Tequila".




Things I Hate Right Now



- Fucking Snow-- Cute, comfortable boots are incredibly hard to find ever since Captain Retard Ugg introduced the ugliest footwear ever.. This has caused me to only buy boots with a kitten heel.. A kitten heel is the nugget child of a real heel.. Not enough to make you look like an Amazon but just enough to cause a deathly slip on ice and make the clacking noise on hardwood floors. I fucking love that noise. But again, this is not the time for things I love.


-Nylons-- Nylons are SHIT. They don't even compare to the durable stretchiness of tights. Every pair of Nylons I have put on in the past month have snagged a huge whole right in the crotch do to my winter toenails. *Memo to self.. fucking peticure.


-Mittens-- These fuzzy wool hand protectors look all fine and cozy on the inside but if you are a cigarette smoker they are the worst things ever invented. I would rather have cold, chapped Betty White hands than catch on fire while lighting a cigarette.



-Cardboard-- This one should be self explanitory.. And for all you dummies, I have two words for you... Cardboard papercuts. Actually, is papercut one or two words? Whatevs.


-Cat Hair-- Though my nuggets are the cutest of the cute even if Borris is Satan and Viktor is a slut I still love them.. What I hate is that they shed all over my entire wardrobe of black. Two things you should know.. 1. I got Borris a boyfriend, Viktor.. 2. About two years ago I only started to buy black clothing.. you never know when a funeral is on the verge and there is never a wrong time to run into a room and say, "Audrey's Back!"


-Jameson-- This one is big. Whiskey is the Devils juice. If you want to wake up with a random man in your bed, a headache and a gold chain on your nighstand then by all means knock yourself out but from now on I will leave the Whiskey to the man in the bar reading David Lynch.


-Facebook-- I have a never ending feeling of love/hate with Facebook. I love it becase it destracts me from actually working at my job but I hate it because I hate status updates. Nobody cares about your kids or your husband or your dog.. I promise. ALSO-- Right now on Facebook "everyone" is changing their profile picture to their favorite childhood cartoon to stop child abuse or raise awareness for child abuse. Just so everyone know's.. A sixteen year old girl was bored at home one night and thought about her favorite childhood cartoon, "Catdog". She wanted to make this her profile picture but didn't want to look stupid, so she sent out a status saying that by showing everyone else what stupid show you liked growing up people would stop hitting their children. I don't give into any of this bullshit. If I want to raise awareness I will do by spitting and swearing at the assholes that hit their kids.. OR by calling child protective services.



This concludes my list of things I hate right now. I am going to sign off by saying this.. I just had business cards made and that pretty much means that I am better than you.

Pete and Pete... A Fallen Tale

Guess who is at home AND on the internet!??!!?


MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!


Just kidding. I really do not know why I said that because it's more of a cruel joke on me and not you guys. Everyone who is reading this is probably at home, on the internet, in bed, having grapes fed to them.

What a perfect reminder. -buy grapes at store-

Any fucking way--- Let's talk about Danny Tamberelli and Mike Maronna. Two of the biggest Nickelodeon stars in the 90's. I'm not sure if you have ever heard of a little fucking show called, "Pete and Pete", but it was a pretty big deal. Steve Buscemi played the neighbor for Petes sake. Haha, see what I did there? Petes sake. Anyway, last night before I went to bed I started getting all of the "retard thoughts" that I usually get before I drift off and one of them was more so a question.. "What the fuck are Danny Tamberelli and Mike Maronna doing with their lives these days?" I often wonder the same question about all the fallen 90's sitcom TV brothers.. Like, those two adorable twins from 'Full House'. And, I'm not talking about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, we all know that they're paaaaaaaiiiiid. I am talking about Nicky and Alex... Remember them? Or what about those two kids from the show, 'My Brother and Me'.. Remember them? So, last night while in fake retard land I decided that I would do all of this research to find out where these poor sapps are now, what they're doing with their life and write about it. But, now that I am in real life all of that seems like way too much work, I'm not employed by VH1 or E and I really need to start working on my Christmas list because someone asked me a few days ago what I wanted for Christmas and I told them Coffee Filters. What the fuck?

I am sorry if this post doesn't make much sense and is poorly written but I don't actually know when my posts do make much sense and are well written.. So, I take that sorry back and will now put it in my back pocket for when I accidentally run over a child on my bike.

40 things I would do if I had the Internet

40 things that I would do if I had the Motha Fuckin' Internet

1. Post my blogs more regularly
2. Check my emails more often because unlike everyone else who has a fancy phone, I do not
3. Update and manage the social networking I do for work and my own personal life
4. Check out Craigslist for free/cheap things
5. Wiki different instruments people are selling on Craigslist
4. Buy used instruments off Craigslist
5. Use YouTube to learn how to play my new instruments
6. Start a band
7. Buy a webcam
8. Just kidding, buy a new computer with a camera in it
9. Just kidding again, buy a webcam because I am poor
10.Start a Skype account
11.Start using Chat Roulette
12.Make sweet videos and put them on YouTube
13.Work out more because I will be a YouTube star
14.Join a yoga class
15.Quit smoking cigarettes
16.Not go into work as often as I do to use free wi-fi
17.Paint my nails
18.Remove my nail polish because I don't have a Gypsy Prince with the body of a Greek God to do my dishes
19.Talk to my family more
20.Set up an Etsy account
21.Buy a sewing machine off Craigslist
22.YouTube how to sew
23.Make things and sell them on Etsy and at work
24.Start making all of my own outfits just like Romy and Michelle
25.Call my grandma more often
26.Make a sweet web page for the band
25.Set up an EBay account
26.Buy old shit that looks like it could be worth a lot of money
25.Go on the Antique Roadshow
26.Ramble to the auctioneer about my bands struggle to make it big, my YouTube stardom, our bands web page address

and my email
27.Find out that what I was selling was worth a lot of money and that my tape will be played on air
28.Get discovered by a head boss that runs some big Media Company in New York City who likes to get wasted and watch the Antique Roadshow
29.Move to New York City
30.Become a huge success by starting THE BEST SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE IN THE WORLD
31.Tour with my band world wide
32.Open my own Coffee Shop/Boutique
33.Start my own clothing line
34.Go clubbin' with Beyonce
35.Pay my rent at my sweet loft twelve months in advance
36.Marry a hot professor that teaches at Columbia
37.Have lots of babies
38.Adopt a few babies
39.Buy a basketball team
40.MOVE TO SINGAPORE

Do you see?!? I neeeeeeeeed the Motha Fuckin' Internet!

"The Plan" -- Also- I had a really good picture for this but Blogger wouldn't let me update it and that is stupid.

Let's take a second to talk about, "The Plan". You know the plan. Even the fatty that looks like John Goodman in the back with the plaid shirt on knows what the plan is. (side note, I don't know why but I always want to spell 'knows' like 'noes'.. probably because it rhymes with 'toes') ANYWAY, back to the motha fuckin' plan. Until just recently, between my sub conscious and my evil twin sister, Nelsea, I had thought my plan had completely derailed. That was until I realized that I am going to be different. I am starting, The Motha Fuckin' Awesome Chelsea Plan.
No worries, this is not an attempt to take over the world Pinky and The Brain style, this is just an easy way to say that you don't have to get your college degree at the age of twenty-two and you can still be the fucking bomb.

College is all fine and well and I will eventualllllllyyyyyy get a degree someday in something that will probably have nothing to do with the killer coffee shop I am going to open. But, college isn't everything. Sure, it is a great way to meet super hot professors, drink free beer, and learn about chlorophyll. But, does college teach you to remember to feed your cat? Will it teach you to protect yourself if you're getting mugged on the street? ALSO- I have yet to see a college diploma take the trash out. I live in a college town. Every thug and betty has their degree. A degree + no experience = a Sad Betty.

There are no Sad Betty's on The Motha Fuckin' Awesome Chelsea Plan. I actually did it right, bitches. When I am twenty-eight, have my degree, have experience, and still have killer legs I will be a Happy Betty and I will make it rain in the club every day.

So I guess what I am trying to say is make up your own mind, be your own person and always use protection.

Wow, that was somewhat inspiring. Fucking go me!

Disclaimer: The Arcade Fire is hands down one of the best bands, you must like this band to be on The Motha Fuckin' Awesome Chelsea Plan.