All my single ladies, this one is for you. Tired of being alone? Cuddling your body pillow at night? Living in Grey and Black? I’m here to fucking help you get a boyfriend off the motha fuckin’ internet. You’re probably thinking, “Right Chelsea, like I will take your advice. You haven’t had a boyfriend in like a million years.” Well, I would have one if men would just do what I want them to or if I cared about others more than I do myself. So, with that said I will tell you how to *not* get a boyfriend through online dating based off my unsuccessful experience. If you DO NOT follow this then you will for sure have a boyfriend. Eventually.
How to *NOT* get a boyfriend via internet:
Engaging in internet dating is a perfect way to meet creepy perverts and men with low self esteem. Spend at least five days in the mirror of your bathroom taking pictures of yourself on either your camera phone or digital camera (if your don’t have either of those then picture from five years ago that you found on Friendster will do ONLY if you look skinny and fierce). Make sure to get all the right angles and that the lighting is just right. If your teeth are fucked then do a lot of pouty lip and kissy face shots. After you have picked out at least six different pictures of yourself wearing different outfits and accessories upload them on your computer. Make sure to include at least two of the pictures with you wearing sunglasses, preferably big ones that cover the majority of your face so you look like a mysterious woman in the night. DO NOT take pictures of yourself on the toilet, you’re not using Myspace to find dates ladies. After the pictures have been uploaded go into Photoshop or whatever software you have on your computer to fix and edit them. Change at least three of the pictures to black and white and contrast the shit out of them. This will make you appear more attractive and look like you’re artistic with the camera! You can make one of them Sepia if you prefer. Now that you look like the best enhanced version of yourself in the pictures it’s time to make your profile! I would recommend a site that doesn’t cost anything like Ok Cupid or Plenty of Fish. These sites are going to ask you to create a username and password to log in. Your username will be visible to all those bachelors so go for something slutty like 2cute2swallow or ilovecock123. Make your password easy to remember like, sortofpathetic1. Now it is time to upload your pictures. Obviously pick the best one as your main picture; it will probably be the one with you wearing sunglasses so add a witty caption that says, ‘I wear my sunglasses at night.’ This will let guys know that you are aware of shitty 80’s music.
Now that your pictures are all uploaded it’s time to add some context to that naked profile. The best part of internet dating is that you can lie! The site will ask you to describe yourself. Whatever type of person you are write the opposite of that. If you are a bubbly college student looking to meet new people in a new town then say that you are a grad student trying to make sense in this city that seems so redundant to you. Most men will see that as a green light to move forward with you because you’re looking for something new and different. When the site asks you what your hobbies are write things that seem super fascinating like photography, running, reading, ect. Men will not be into you if you say that you enjoy watching reruns of Roseanne on TV Land in your spare time. If your hobbies really are running, reading and photography then you probably don’t need to be internet dating.
Most sites will ask what you’re looking for. This is huge. Make sure to write what you really are looking for but be sure to exaggerate a bit because duh, you did, so most likely your “perfect” man probably did the same. If you are a tall Amazon bitch then make sure you say that you’re looking for someone AT least 6’2”. Men ALWAYS lie about their height. If they write in their profile that they’re 5’10” that really means they’re 5’8”.
Now that your profile is ready to go it is time to start sifting through endless messages. This is where you can be super creative. All of the fuck wads on this site think that you are the shit from what they have seen so take your pick! After you sign up you will have a handful’s of messages from these men to choose from if you followed these rules. When you get to this point you will weed out the fatties and only concentrate on the ones that you find attractive. Once you have found those *special* few start messaging them, always make sure to use the thesaurus and dictionary so that you sound smarter than you really are.
If one of the the internet hotties want to meet you then agree! Recommend a bar to go to. The lighting in bars is always very dim so you will look more attractive and you can get drunk!
Before you go on your date drink at least three bottles of beer to calm the nerves. Go to the bar to meet the guy and talk mostly about your father and how he abandoned you. This will make the guy think you have “daddy” issues and that you’re an easy fuck. He will ask you to come back to his place so DO IT duh, you’re drunk as shit and he is o.k. looking.
This is where it gets serious bitches. Once you get back to his place sober the fuck up. Ask for some water, juice, Tylenol and bread. Look around for pictures of him with other people. Ask who those people are. Ask him what his relationship is like with his grandparents. Ask him what his best score in Pac Man is, I don’t care what you ask him just do not imply that you have a vagina. You do NOT want to fuck this douchebag. He is going to try to have his way with you. DO NOT let that happen. If he starts kissing you on your neck and you start to feel week then you can dry-hump him but DO NOT fuck this tool. If you can’t control yourself and do resort to dry-humping him eventually cyber-perv will make a mess in his pants and then you can laugh and say you have to go.
After this happens go to Taco Bell order a bean burrito fresco style, go home, eat your burrito, delete your online dating profile and go to bed and cuddle your body pillow.
