Ho, Ho, Ho, Bitches

            Party time bitches. I’m back. I am sure you can hardly believe it. I can’t tell you how long I will be back for, but I felt with the holidays coming up it would be sufficient to give all of you bitches what you’ve been asking for all year. What can I say? Tis’ the fucking season.

Where can I start? I am sure you are all dyeing to know what I have been doing that is so wildly important to where I can’t spend thirty minutes of my precious time updating my ridiculous thoughts and stories of my life to all of you saps. Well... I’ve got nothing. I would like to tell you that I have spent the majority of the year touring with my awesome imaginary indie band, riding bulls in Africa and occupying the streets of New York, but, the truth is the majority of my year has been getting wasted on boxed wine, serving people cuts of twenty dollar steak, having a really sucky boyfriend followed by having a really awesome boyfriend. I did somehow manage to fit Vegas in there and it was a wet fucking dream. Also, on the major fucking plus side, while the 99% occupies Wall Street I am occupying my vagina with a glorious penis. And, I feel good about that.

Joe Joe is living with me now. Thank fucking God. Though living alone was fun, getting crunk with my best friend four nights out of the week is way more fun. Besides, not having anyone help pay the bills = no cable and internet, which lead to me watching movies I have seen time and time again and introducing myself to people as an artist because I can cut newspaper into different shapes and have trendy business cards. And yes, I now have the motha’ fuckin’ internet. It’s all very bitter sweet, really. For a second there I was living the high life of technology. I had a laptop computer, a smart phone and an MP3 player. But now, my laptop is broken thanks to my clumsiness and coffee addiction, I left my smart phone behind at a rest stop on I-69 and I lost the thingy-mabobber to charge my MP3 player. But, I still have a really fucking awesome boyfriend who rubs my head and takes me to the movies.  

I got really lucky this year as far as the whole romance thing goes, though I did have to suffer through a relationship with a socially retarded man child to get the gold I have desired for so long. It was my own fault, really. I could have ended it way sooner than I did, but when you date a retard not much effort is required and I like not having to shave my choo-cha everyday. Luckily, I wasn’t too far into our relationship when I found out most men don’t really care how often you shave your choo-cha as long as it doesn’t look like Jurassic Park down there. Side bar, I just rubbed the inside of my ear and now I can’t hear anything. Wait, okay, my hearing is back. Anyway, other than that not much has changed. My kitty nuggets are still doing well, I am still waking up every morning to the sounds of Lady Gaga singing paparazzi as my alarm clock and I am still tipping back tequila like it’s my job. Except now I only go to that job maybe three times a month instead of everyday. Like I said, bitches, I don’t know how long I will be back for but until next time I hope you all have a very merry Chelsea What drunken Christmas. Ho, Ho, You’s a Ho.

My simple guide on how to not suck at internet dating

                All my single ladies, this one is for you. Tired of being alone? Cuddling your body pillow at night? Living in Grey and Black? I’m here to fucking help you get a boyfriend off the motha fuckin’ internet. You’re probably thinking, “Right Chelsea, like I will take your advice. You haven’t had a boyfriend in like a million years.” Well, I would have one if men would just do what I want them to or if I cared about others more than I do myself. So, with that said I will tell you how to *not* get a boyfriend through online dating based off my unsuccessful experience.  If you DO NOT follow this then you will for sure have a boyfriend. Eventually.

How to *NOT* get a boyfriend via internet:

Engaging in internet dating is a perfect way to meet creepy perverts and men with low self esteem. Spend at least five days in the mirror of your bathroom taking pictures of yourself on either your camera phone or digital camera (if your don’t have either of those then picture from five years ago that you found on Friendster will do ONLY if you look skinny and fierce). Make sure to get all the right angles and that the lighting is just right. If your teeth are fucked then do a lot of pouty lip and kissy face shots. After you have picked out at least six different pictures of yourself wearing different outfits and accessories upload them on your computer.  Make sure to include at least two of the pictures with you wearing sunglasses, preferably big ones that cover the majority of your face so you look like a mysterious woman in the night. DO NOT take pictures of yourself on the toilet, you’re not using Myspace to find dates ladies. After the pictures have been uploaded go into Photoshop or whatever software you have on your computer to fix and edit them. Change at least three of the pictures to black and white and contrast the shit out of them. This will make you appear more attractive and look like you’re artistic with the camera! You can make one of them Sepia if you prefer.  Now that you look like the best enhanced version of yourself in the pictures it’s time to make your profile! I would recommend a site that doesn’t cost anything like Ok Cupid or Plenty of Fish. These sites are going to ask you to create a username and password to log in. Your username will be visible to all those bachelors so go for something slutty like 2cute2swallow or ilovecock123. Make your password easy to remember like, sortofpathetic1. Now it is time to upload your pictures. Obviously pick the best one as your main picture; it will probably be the one with you wearing sunglasses so add a witty caption that says, ‘I wear my sunglasses at night.’ This will let guys know that you are aware of shitty 80’s music.

Now that your pictures are all uploaded it’s time to add some context to that naked profile. The best part of internet dating is that you can lie! The site will ask you to describe yourself. Whatever type of person you are write the opposite of that. If you are a bubbly college student looking to meet new people in a new town then say that you are a grad student trying to make sense in this city that seems so redundant to you. Most men will see that as a green light to move forward with you because you’re looking for something new and different.  When the site asks you what your hobbies are write things that seem super fascinating like photography, running, reading, ect. Men will not be into you if you say that you enjoy watching reruns of Roseanne on TV Land in your spare time. If your hobbies really are running, reading and photography then you probably don’t need to be internet dating.

Most sites will ask what you’re looking for. This is huge. Make sure to write what you really are looking for but be sure to exaggerate a bit because duh, you did, so most likely your “perfect” man probably did the same. If you are a tall Amazon bitch then make sure you say that you’re looking for someone AT least 6’2”. Men ALWAYS lie about their height. If they write in their profile that they’re 5’10” that really means they’re 5’8”.

Now that your profile is ready to go it is time to start sifting through endless messages. This is where you can be super creative. All of the fuck wads on this site think that you are the shit from what they have seen so take your pick! After you sign up you will have a handful’s of messages from these men to choose from if you followed these rules. When you get to this point you will weed out the fatties and only concentrate on the ones that you find attractive. Once you have found those *special* few start messaging them, always make sure to use the thesaurus and dictionary so that you sound smarter than you really are. 

If one of the the internet hotties want to meet you then agree!  Recommend a bar to go to. The lighting in bars is always very dim so you will look more attractive and you can get drunk!

Before you go on your date drink at least three bottles of beer to calm the nerves. Go to the bar to meet the guy and talk mostly about your father and how he abandoned you. This will make the guy think you have “daddy” issues and that you’re an easy fuck. He will ask you to come back to his place so DO IT duh, you’re drunk as shit and he is o.k. looking.

This is where it gets serious bitches. Once you get back to his place sober the fuck up. Ask for some water, juice, Tylenol and bread. Look around for pictures of him with other people. Ask who those people are. Ask him what his relationship is like with his grandparents. Ask him what his best score in Pac Man is, I don’t care what you ask him just do not imply that you have a vagina. You do NOT want to fuck this douchebag. He is going to try to have his way with you. DO NOT let that happen. If he starts kissing you on your neck and you start to feel week then you can dry-hump him but DO NOT fuck this tool. If you can’t control yourself and do resort to dry-humping him eventually cyber-perv will make a mess in his pants and then you can laugh and say you have to go.

After this happens go to Taco Bell order a bean burrito fresco style, go home, eat your burrito, delete your online dating profile and go to bed and cuddle your body pillow. 

The Day I Realized I Suck

I realized today that I suck at living. Let me share with you how to not suck so that this will NEVER happen to you.

Rule Number One:

Never go to the hospital if you don’t have insurance. I don’t care if you feel like your kidneys are going to explode or you OD’d on Heroin. If you go to the hospital and don’t have insurance they will rape you in your ass. And quite frankly I feel that is worse than any shoulder pain or kidney explosion.  I wouldn’t know from personal experience but according to my friend Spike in the slammer it sucks hard. Let me tell you about what will happen if you DO go to the hospital without insurance.  The business department will find you. They will find you and then they will steal your kids and your spouse and rape them. In my case it was my cats.  Poor Viktor and Borris. They never saw it coming. If you don’t listen to me and this happens to you the best things to do is to go to Jimmy Johns and order a Vegetarian Club on wheat bread with Dijon mustard added to it and spring for that cola. Because fuck it, you’re not going to pay the hospital anyway.

Rule Number Two:

Never apply to stupid jobs on the internet that involve selling life insurance to elderly people. This one should be a given and if you have already done so than you already suck at your life and there is no turning back from that. BUT, if this does happen to you and they call you six times in three hours to schedule an interview then it is time to indulge in a manicure. If you do this then you won’t think of old people dying because your hands will be so silky smooth and not wrinkly and old.

Rule Number Three:

If your best friend is a gay man NEVER move out of his house. This will lead you into getting your own apartment where you are alone, have to make meals for yourself and watch four hours of Veronica Mars in one setting.  Please, please do not do this. If you do then you will not be able to afford cable or internet because let’s face it, your successful gay partner in crime was really the bread and butter of the relationship. If this does happen then put on The Strokes and dance around in your underwear for about twenty minutes but DO NOT look at the mirror. That will shift you back to self loathing mode. We do not want that.

Rule Number Four:

Never leave your cell phone charger at work. This only happens when you really do have to make a call to your favorite Chinese restaurant or are waiting on an important text. There is nothing worse than the Samsung chime indicating that your phone is turning off. If this happens to you obviously walk to the nearest bar with your laptop, order a tall Miller High Life (only if you’re from Flint or Detroit) and Google chat with your gay best friend about how this is the worst day ever. ALSO, do not expect to meet anyone because you won’t. You live alone with your cats that were just raped and you just danced to The Strokes in your underwear for Christ sake. Nobody is going to talk to you or ask for your business card that you simply made to throw in fish bowls at your favorite fast food chains.

Rule Number Five:

This one is serious. Never, ever, I repeat EVER develop a crush on a co-worker. This one screams DUH but we do it every day.  More importantly never fall for someone you work with that is pure as the driven snow. This is where everyone fucks up. Women all want to reform the bad boy into a good boy, what they don’t realize is they want that good boy to reform them into a good girl too. I know what you’re thinking and yes, I probably have been watching too many teen dramas on DVD. But seriously, we all want that one forbidden love. DON’T DO IT.  Even if you think, “Ayyyyyyyyye, it’s no big deal… I just have a little crush on him.. I won’t ever tell him, do you think I’m stupid?!” Yes, you are because you will tell him. And when you do it will be through a text message. The Sober John will text you back saying, “Thanks for the honesty! I love Honesty!” No Sober John, you don’t like honesty, you like knowing that someone thinks you’re totally groovy and have all the right moves.  If someone texted you saying they thought you were repulsive to the point of vomit I am sure you would feel differently. Ladies or gents if this happens to you there is only one thing you can do.. Go to the store, buy a box of wine and then drink the whole thing while listening to “A Perfect Sonnet” by Bright Eyes over and over again because he is not into you and never will be.

My meltdown before the countdown and why I should make a cartoon

Happy New Year Bitches! I am sure everyone is sticking to their new year’s resolutions of becoming skinny but I personally happen to think that the whole idea of a new year’s resolution is bullshit. Just because I decide that I am going to do something and it just so happens that I come to this epiphany January 1^st of every year doesn’t mean anything. A few years ago I told myself that I would take more pictures. After developing three rolls of film I realized that developing film is expensive and I do not need that many pictures of myself and random people from the bar….In doubles.  After that I stuck to one goal and that was to be the best person I could be. Haha.. Fail. So, this year I decided to be as realistic as possible and I am not going to reveal what my new goal is until either, A. I fail or B. It’s July 27^th, 2011. And if you don’t think I won’t remember… I will.

I spent my new years just like any nineteen year old drunk girl would. Except, when I was nineteen I was celebrating in Canada making new friends and smoking Canadian pot behind a pizza place, being awesome. This year was my worst new years to date.  It could have been a mix between my mom being single and the thirty jalapeno poppers I ate but in order for any of this to make sense I have to start from the beginning. And no, not the beginning of time. Dummies. We’ll start here.

LaToya, Lazor, Joe Joe and I started to plan New Year’s Eve in August. Come November we finally deciding on staying in Ann Arbor after a great Halloween weekend with the Spicy Little Indian and his friends. I don’t think we ever covered Halloween weekend because I was on hiatus but remind me to go back to that because it was the real fucking deal. Anyway, we had a plan and it was going to be the shizznit.

For two months we waited in anticipation, created events on Facebook and sent each other texts to ensure that we would have THE BEST new years EVER. Finally the time came. It was the Friday morning of New Year’s Eve and I hated the way my dress looked on me. If you ask any single girl on New Year’s Eve what the most important thing in the world is she would not tell you poverty or world peace, she would tell you that she MUST look good in her dress.

What I didn’t know was that Nelsea had taken over my body the night before. You may remember Nelsea from a few months ago but to remind you, she is my evil twin sister. Nelsea had a plan and that plan was to destroy the night. She insisted that we all go to the mall to buy a new dress and when we got to the mall she got in a fight with a white trash family at the Taco Bell kiosk in the food court. Okay, that was me. Anyway, after that escapade we ventured out into the rain to head to Ann Arbor.

It was about three o’ clock in the afternoon when we got there and by four-thirty I was already blowing a 1.8 in The Spicy Little Indians breathalyzer test. He had bought that test after earning money by doing surveys throughout the summer. This is apparently what most teachers do with their summers off.

By five o’ clock Joe Joe told me that I looked the best I had ever looked. And I did, I really did.  We headed over to The Spicy Little Indians friends house that also happen to be LaToya and Lazor’s dopplegangers for a pre –drink fest. At this point I was Chelsea and geared up for a great evening. We had a white elephant gift exchange and drink Vodka and Redbull until our cab arrived.

We got to the club at eight-thirty and paid the forty dollar cover. By nine-thirty Nelsea got kicked out for the first time of the evening for being dance floor road kill. Nelsea should have just left the bar then but instead her and Joe Joe found a way back into the club to reunite with the gang. Now, I don’t really remember the rest but I will do my best to recap based on what was told to me the next day.

I am going to have to sidebar real quick to say, all my single ladies, NEVER go out on New Year’s Eve with all couples. EVER.

At ten-thirty LaToya introduced Nelsea to Scott. After one look at him she said, “negative” and continued to be a hot mess. LaToya continued to talk to him which made Nelsea very upset. I’m still not sure why she was so upset but her frustration caused a fight between LaToya and Lazor. Nelsea ran to the bathroom to cry about her mom being single and alone with her cat. When she got out of the bathroom she was kicked out of the bar again. Now, by this point she should have just left. But no, she returned once again and cried. She cried about everything and anything and when the ball dropped at the stroke of midnight she was on the ground being stepped on by a sea of people. After she got up and wiped the blood off her elbows she went outside for a cigarette. This is when Joe Joe and The Spicy Little Indian found Nelsea at her worst. They had been fighting earlier that night too but wanted to still have a great time and wanted Nelsea to get it the fuck together.

They all went back into the club where Nelsea ate at least thirty jalapeno poppers. After all the eating and all the crying she begged The Spicy Little Indian to give her his key to go back to his house and crash the fuck out. After a lot more crying and screeching he gave in. This was at one o’ clock in the morning and by two o’ clock Nelsea was watching Dee Snider on Jimmy Fallon anticipating the world’s biggest vegan nacho bell grande .

And that my bitches is how I spent New Year’s Eve.

After all of that bullshit I am sure you are all wondering what the deal is with that sweet cartoon picture I posted. These are my new cartoon characters. Garbage Pale Cat.. I know it is supposed to be pail but I like pale better. Pizza Robot and Doug The Hand Turkey. They are going to be a hit. You’ll see. 

What I Learned In 2010

                                                        What I have learned in 2010




1. I get nothing done after 8:00 p.m. unless it involves beer
2. Homeless people and stray cats are exactly alike, if you give them a cigarette once they will always ask you for one
3. I don’t like homeless people
4. Not having the internet is a cheap excuse for going to the bar and spending too much money on booze
5. Downloading music illegally will resolve in your lap top getting AIDS
6. Having a land lady that is in her 80’s is great because you always get shortbread and decaf coffee when you pay your rent
7. I like the song ‘Almost Crimes’ better acoustic than I do the album version
8. Chris Farley actually did more than just yell out what he was saying
9. I still really like the color green after all these years
10. Having a baby is nothing like having a cat because you can’t change a babies name two weeks after birth
11. I spend way too much money renting sitcoms and way too much time watching them
12. Jason Schwartzman shows up in media when you least expect it
13. I still quote lines from “The Hangover”
14. I’m not racist, I thought I was because I know a black person who smells real bad and I don’t like bad smells so I associated his color with that, but after smelling other black people I have realized that it is just the one person that smells that way
15. If you compliment Taco Bell employee’s on their customer service you might get free cinnamon twists
16. Golden Harvest is the only place to go in Lansing for breakfast
17. I get so excited about the Beastie Boys that I run into walls
18. Hiring people at a coffee shop that wear glasses usually works out well
19. I need a new pair of glasses
20. You really only do need five hours of sleep to stay alive the next day
21. Getting business cards really does make you feel better about yourself
22. I will never cut my hair short again
23. Notorious B.I.G was really the greatest rapper to ever live
24. I discovered a way to make old newspaper into art
25. Having a Facebook account is almost as bad as having a cocaine addiction
26. Power chugging PBR is a good way to power through being tired
27. LaToya is really good at making vegan cupcakes
28. I am only stuck on myself because I am not stuck on someone else
29. I will never home school my unborn child
30. The only things I crave when I am hung over is Earth and Jar and fountain soda
31. I still can’t spell the word ‘definitely’ without using spell check or T9
32. I can go a week without having a cell phone
33. I will never drink Whiskey again
34. Mates of State make any Sunday morning better
35. I secretly wish I worked at a Laundromat so that I could wear sweatpants every day to work
36. Going to the hospital without insurance is a close second to getting raped in the ass
37. Waffle fries taste better with vegan queso dip
38. Having a small bathroom is nice when you need to pee and wash your hands at the same time
39. Applebees has karaoke on Wednesday nights
40. I love living with gay men
41. I have the power to walk away from someone if they are boring me with what they’re saying
42. If alcohol is left at my house I will drink it
43. My cats are happy playing with wine corks and lighters
44. Brown rice is only good if it’s cooked thoroughly
45. You can get a ticket if you spend “too much” time in the left hand lane on the interstate
46. I still love to see people slip and fall
47. Smoking pot ends up in me falling asleep with potato chips in my mouth and dumpster mouth in the morning
48. I only like men if they’re at least five years older than me
49. Comic Sans font is only appropriate if used in 1996 while IMing and internet boyfriend that lives in New York
50. I’m fucking awesome

Do not read if you have children, values, or love Mariah Carey

        Alright Bitches, let’s talk about Christmas. What I really want to know is what sort of gifts were being be given around Bethlehem on the 25th?? Last time I checked Jesus was getting Mirth and Frankincense. Not digital cameras and Mad Men season two on DVD. I want to zap back to the good ol’ days of BC and give people cigarette ashes and say that they are getting long fancy words like youngjuvelicious and everyone will think I am giving them something real great and spectacular.


         Seriously, my apartment looks like Santa’s retarded workshop. I have an absolute love/hate relationship with Christmas. I love it because, duh, I get presents like Mad Men season two on DVD. ALSO, I can blame my alcohol addiction on the Holidays. God bless spirits. I hate it because due to my alcohol addiction I have to use my artistic ability to make everyone I love homemade presents. I know what you’re thinking, “Chelsea, nobody wants a macaroni ornament.” Duh, I know that. If there is was one thing you should know by now that is that I am the shit and I give awesome homemade presents. ANYWAY, back to what else I hate about Christmas.. The fucking music. I turned Christmas music on at the coffee shop the first week of December and at first, I was a bit fuzzy inside. There is nothing like the beginning of the season when you hear, “All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey. Come the eighteenth time you wish that the fat bitch would choke on a ham sandwich Mama Cass style. Which by the way I am still not convinced that was really what happened to her, but that’s a story for a different time. We have all seen Love Actually, we all know how it ends up, so suck it Mariah.

           Speaking of Christmas and the birth of Jesus, let’s talk about the birth of my child that hasn’t happened… But, could have.

             Since I was fourteen I have been getting my period and it has always been on time right down to the time. The eve before Thanksgiving eve I hooked up with a guy and from what I remember it was stellar. Last week I was supposed to get my period on Wednesday. Come Friday, still no dice. This is when I began to panic a little. This is also when I am grateful that I have the world’s greatest friends. I called Joe Joe and told him about my predicament and he immediately made me feel better by saying that he would put my abortion on his credit card so that he could get reward points. By this point I am sure you all know that I ended up getting my period and that I am going to burn in Hell. Well, that may be so, but I can live with that. Just like I can live with the fact I won’t be getting a child I don’t want this year for Christmas.

The Spicy Little Indian and How I Spent Thanksgiving

           So, here is what we know.. I have been MIA for the past few months and I am betting that you are all eager and on the edge of your seats dyeing to find out what the fuck I have been up to. SO, that said I am going to go through clips from the past few months to fill you all in.. Just like any cheesy sitcom that plays on TBS would do. When we left off it was September.. My favorite show was Cakeboss, My favorite food was Potato Nachos and my best friend forever was single. A lot has changed since then. I still think that cake is delicious, I have gotten too lazy to dice potatoes and Joe Joe is now dating The Spicy Little Indian. Let’s talk about The Spicy Little Indian, here are the stats…


Height: 5’6”

Weight: 130

Hair: Brown

Profession: Special Education Teacher

The rest is too be determined by your imagination. Here is what is very important..

Why I adore him: He and Joe Joe both share the same love for me and he doesn’t get offended when I use the term “Retard”.

            Thanksgiving also happened while I was away. Thiswas a great time to think of all the things I am thankful for. The list is endless but a few of the highlights are that I never have had Gain Green and that I have an excellent taste in music. Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday. There is nothing better than not working, alcohol, naps and vegan food that is prepared and brought to you. At one point I don’t think I even used my own hands to eat. This year was one for the record books. There I was in a room with Joe Joe, LaToya, Lazor, The Spicy Little Indian, Joe Joe’s mom (Whorie Lorrie) and Cry stal… As we sat down for dinner and contemplated going around saying what we are thankful for I thought a better idea was to rub chocolate all over my face and sing, “There are Worst Things I Could Do” from the musical Grease.. I am really fucked up when I am sober needless to say. If you know you will be eating a big meal DO NOT drink alcohol. The entire time you eat and drink you will just be wondering when you will start to feel fizzy but the truth is that fizziness that you enjoy so much will never come because you didn’t wait to eat your din din. This will all be in another segment I like to call, ‘Economic Drinking 101’.

       So, to recap… Thanksgiving was great, I apparently get excited when the song “Sabotage” comes on, Whorie Lorrie likes to go Black Friday shopping, I spent way too much money on gloves and Joe Joe and I recorded a video of us eating when nobody else was around.