What I Learned In 2010

                                                        What I have learned in 2010




1. I get nothing done after 8:00 p.m. unless it involves beer
2. Homeless people and stray cats are exactly alike, if you give them a cigarette once they will always ask you for one
3. I don’t like homeless people
4. Not having the internet is a cheap excuse for going to the bar and spending too much money on booze
5. Downloading music illegally will resolve in your lap top getting AIDS
6. Having a land lady that is in her 80’s is great because you always get shortbread and decaf coffee when you pay your rent
7. I like the song ‘Almost Crimes’ better acoustic than I do the album version
8. Chris Farley actually did more than just yell out what he was saying
9. I still really like the color green after all these years
10. Having a baby is nothing like having a cat because you can’t change a babies name two weeks after birth
11. I spend way too much money renting sitcoms and way too much time watching them
12. Jason Schwartzman shows up in media when you least expect it
13. I still quote lines from “The Hangover”
14. I’m not racist, I thought I was because I know a black person who smells real bad and I don’t like bad smells so I associated his color with that, but after smelling other black people I have realized that it is just the one person that smells that way
15. If you compliment Taco Bell employee’s on their customer service you might get free cinnamon twists
16. Golden Harvest is the only place to go in Lansing for breakfast
17. I get so excited about the Beastie Boys that I run into walls
18. Hiring people at a coffee shop that wear glasses usually works out well
19. I need a new pair of glasses
20. You really only do need five hours of sleep to stay alive the next day
21. Getting business cards really does make you feel better about yourself
22. I will never cut my hair short again
23. Notorious B.I.G was really the greatest rapper to ever live
24. I discovered a way to make old newspaper into art
25. Having a Facebook account is almost as bad as having a cocaine addiction
26. Power chugging PBR is a good way to power through being tired
27. LaToya is really good at making vegan cupcakes
28. I am only stuck on myself because I am not stuck on someone else
29. I will never home school my unborn child
30. The only things I crave when I am hung over is Earth and Jar and fountain soda
31. I still can’t spell the word ‘definitely’ without using spell check or T9
32. I can go a week without having a cell phone
33. I will never drink Whiskey again
34. Mates of State make any Sunday morning better
35. I secretly wish I worked at a Laundromat so that I could wear sweatpants every day to work
36. Going to the hospital without insurance is a close second to getting raped in the ass
37. Waffle fries taste better with vegan queso dip
38. Having a small bathroom is nice when you need to pee and wash your hands at the same time
39. Applebees has karaoke on Wednesday nights
40. I love living with gay men
41. I have the power to walk away from someone if they are boring me with what they’re saying
42. If alcohol is left at my house I will drink it
43. My cats are happy playing with wine corks and lighters
44. Brown rice is only good if it’s cooked thoroughly
45. You can get a ticket if you spend “too much” time in the left hand lane on the interstate
46. I still love to see people slip and fall
47. Smoking pot ends up in me falling asleep with potato chips in my mouth and dumpster mouth in the morning
48. I only like men if they’re at least five years older than me
49. Comic Sans font is only appropriate if used in 1996 while IMing and internet boyfriend that lives in New York
50. I’m fucking awesome

Do not read if you have children, values, or love Mariah Carey

        Alright Bitches, let’s talk about Christmas. What I really want to know is what sort of gifts were being be given around Bethlehem on the 25th?? Last time I checked Jesus was getting Mirth and Frankincense. Not digital cameras and Mad Men season two on DVD. I want to zap back to the good ol’ days of BC and give people cigarette ashes and say that they are getting long fancy words like youngjuvelicious and everyone will think I am giving them something real great and spectacular.


         Seriously, my apartment looks like Santa’s retarded workshop. I have an absolute love/hate relationship with Christmas. I love it because, duh, I get presents like Mad Men season two on DVD. ALSO, I can blame my alcohol addiction on the Holidays. God bless spirits. I hate it because due to my alcohol addiction I have to use my artistic ability to make everyone I love homemade presents. I know what you’re thinking, “Chelsea, nobody wants a macaroni ornament.” Duh, I know that. If there is was one thing you should know by now that is that I am the shit and I give awesome homemade presents. ANYWAY, back to what else I hate about Christmas.. The fucking music. I turned Christmas music on at the coffee shop the first week of December and at first, I was a bit fuzzy inside. There is nothing like the beginning of the season when you hear, “All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey. Come the eighteenth time you wish that the fat bitch would choke on a ham sandwich Mama Cass style. Which by the way I am still not convinced that was really what happened to her, but that’s a story for a different time. We have all seen Love Actually, we all know how it ends up, so suck it Mariah.

           Speaking of Christmas and the birth of Jesus, let’s talk about the birth of my child that hasn’t happened… But, could have.

             Since I was fourteen I have been getting my period and it has always been on time right down to the time. The eve before Thanksgiving eve I hooked up with a guy and from what I remember it was stellar. Last week I was supposed to get my period on Wednesday. Come Friday, still no dice. This is when I began to panic a little. This is also when I am grateful that I have the world’s greatest friends. I called Joe Joe and told him about my predicament and he immediately made me feel better by saying that he would put my abortion on his credit card so that he could get reward points. By this point I am sure you all know that I ended up getting my period and that I am going to burn in Hell. Well, that may be so, but I can live with that. Just like I can live with the fact I won’t be getting a child I don’t want this year for Christmas.

Audrey's Back Bitches!

Okay bitches, I know it's been a while and I can spend the rest of this post explaining why I have been absent but I am not going to because just like doing my laundry, I don't feel like it. I would rather just spray it with febreeze and pretend it never happened. So instead I am going to start this with telling you what I hate most right now and why. I am going to make a list and label it "Things I Hate Right Now and Why". I fucking love lists. I also have just recently re-opened my love for Garbage. The band, not trash you perves. But, this is not the time for things I love.. That is in another segment I like to call, "Tequila".




Things I Hate Right Now



- Fucking Snow-- Cute, comfortable boots are incredibly hard to find ever since Captain Retard Ugg introduced the ugliest footwear ever.. This has caused me to only buy boots with a kitten heel.. A kitten heel is the nugget child of a real heel.. Not enough to make you look like an Amazon but just enough to cause a deathly slip on ice and make the clacking noise on hardwood floors. I fucking love that noise. But again, this is not the time for things I love.


-Nylons-- Nylons are SHIT. They don't even compare to the durable stretchiness of tights. Every pair of Nylons I have put on in the past month have snagged a huge whole right in the crotch do to my winter toenails. *Memo to self.. fucking peticure.


-Mittens-- These fuzzy wool hand protectors look all fine and cozy on the inside but if you are a cigarette smoker they are the worst things ever invented. I would rather have cold, chapped Betty White hands than catch on fire while lighting a cigarette.



-Cardboard-- This one should be self explanitory.. And for all you dummies, I have two words for you... Cardboard papercuts. Actually, is papercut one or two words? Whatevs.


-Cat Hair-- Though my nuggets are the cutest of the cute even if Borris is Satan and Viktor is a slut I still love them.. What I hate is that they shed all over my entire wardrobe of black. Two things you should know.. 1. I got Borris a boyfriend, Viktor.. 2. About two years ago I only started to buy black clothing.. you never know when a funeral is on the verge and there is never a wrong time to run into a room and say, "Audrey's Back!"


-Jameson-- This one is big. Whiskey is the Devils juice. If you want to wake up with a random man in your bed, a headache and a gold chain on your nighstand then by all means knock yourself out but from now on I will leave the Whiskey to the man in the bar reading David Lynch.


-Facebook-- I have a never ending feeling of love/hate with Facebook. I love it becase it destracts me from actually working at my job but I hate it because I hate status updates. Nobody cares about your kids or your husband or your dog.. I promise. ALSO-- Right now on Facebook "everyone" is changing their profile picture to their favorite childhood cartoon to stop child abuse or raise awareness for child abuse. Just so everyone know's.. A sixteen year old girl was bored at home one night and thought about her favorite childhood cartoon, "Catdog". She wanted to make this her profile picture but didn't want to look stupid, so she sent out a status saying that by showing everyone else what stupid show you liked growing up people would stop hitting their children. I don't give into any of this bullshit. If I want to raise awareness I will do by spitting and swearing at the assholes that hit their kids.. OR by calling child protective services.



This concludes my list of things I hate right now. I am going to sign off by saying this.. I just had business cards made and that pretty much means that I am better than you.