Audrey's Back Bitches!

Okay bitches, I know it's been a while and I can spend the rest of this post explaining why I have been absent but I am not going to because just like doing my laundry, I don't feel like it. I would rather just spray it with febreeze and pretend it never happened. So instead I am going to start this with telling you what I hate most right now and why. I am going to make a list and label it "Things I Hate Right Now and Why". I fucking love lists. I also have just recently re-opened my love for Garbage. The band, not trash you perves. But, this is not the time for things I love.. That is in another segment I like to call, "Tequila".




Things I Hate Right Now



- Fucking Snow-- Cute, comfortable boots are incredibly hard to find ever since Captain Retard Ugg introduced the ugliest footwear ever.. This has caused me to only buy boots with a kitten heel.. A kitten heel is the nugget child of a real heel.. Not enough to make you look like an Amazon but just enough to cause a deathly slip on ice and make the clacking noise on hardwood floors. I fucking love that noise. But again, this is not the time for things I love.


-Nylons-- Nylons are SHIT. They don't even compare to the durable stretchiness of tights. Every pair of Nylons I have put on in the past month have snagged a huge whole right in the crotch do to my winter toenails. *Memo to self.. fucking peticure.


-Mittens-- These fuzzy wool hand protectors look all fine and cozy on the inside but if you are a cigarette smoker they are the worst things ever invented. I would rather have cold, chapped Betty White hands than catch on fire while lighting a cigarette.



-Cardboard-- This one should be self explanitory.. And for all you dummies, I have two words for you... Cardboard papercuts. Actually, is papercut one or two words? Whatevs.


-Cat Hair-- Though my nuggets are the cutest of the cute even if Borris is Satan and Viktor is a slut I still love them.. What I hate is that they shed all over my entire wardrobe of black. Two things you should know.. 1. I got Borris a boyfriend, Viktor.. 2. About two years ago I only started to buy black clothing.. you never know when a funeral is on the verge and there is never a wrong time to run into a room and say, "Audrey's Back!"


-Jameson-- This one is big. Whiskey is the Devils juice. If you want to wake up with a random man in your bed, a headache and a gold chain on your nighstand then by all means knock yourself out but from now on I will leave the Whiskey to the man in the bar reading David Lynch.


-Facebook-- I have a never ending feeling of love/hate with Facebook. I love it becase it destracts me from actually working at my job but I hate it because I hate status updates. Nobody cares about your kids or your husband or your dog.. I promise. ALSO-- Right now on Facebook "everyone" is changing their profile picture to their favorite childhood cartoon to stop child abuse or raise awareness for child abuse. Just so everyone know's.. A sixteen year old girl was bored at home one night and thought about her favorite childhood cartoon, "Catdog". She wanted to make this her profile picture but didn't want to look stupid, so she sent out a status saying that by showing everyone else what stupid show you liked growing up people would stop hitting their children. I don't give into any of this bullshit. If I want to raise awareness I will do by spitting and swearing at the assholes that hit their kids.. OR by calling child protective services.



This concludes my list of things I hate right now. I am going to sign off by saying this.. I just had business cards made and that pretty much means that I am better than you.