Do not read if you have children, values, or love Mariah Carey

        Alright Bitches, let’s talk about Christmas. What I really want to know is what sort of gifts were being be given around Bethlehem on the 25th?? Last time I checked Jesus was getting Mirth and Frankincense. Not digital cameras and Mad Men season two on DVD. I want to zap back to the good ol’ days of BC and give people cigarette ashes and say that they are getting long fancy words like youngjuvelicious and everyone will think I am giving them something real great and spectacular.


         Seriously, my apartment looks like Santa’s retarded workshop. I have an absolute love/hate relationship with Christmas. I love it because, duh, I get presents like Mad Men season two on DVD. ALSO, I can blame my alcohol addiction on the Holidays. God bless spirits. I hate it because due to my alcohol addiction I have to use my artistic ability to make everyone I love homemade presents. I know what you’re thinking, “Chelsea, nobody wants a macaroni ornament.” Duh, I know that. If there is was one thing you should know by now that is that I am the shit and I give awesome homemade presents. ANYWAY, back to what else I hate about Christmas.. The fucking music. I turned Christmas music on at the coffee shop the first week of December and at first, I was a bit fuzzy inside. There is nothing like the beginning of the season when you hear, “All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey. Come the eighteenth time you wish that the fat bitch would choke on a ham sandwich Mama Cass style. Which by the way I am still not convinced that was really what happened to her, but that’s a story for a different time. We have all seen Love Actually, we all know how it ends up, so suck it Mariah.

           Speaking of Christmas and the birth of Jesus, let’s talk about the birth of my child that hasn’t happened… But, could have.

             Since I was fourteen I have been getting my period and it has always been on time right down to the time. The eve before Thanksgiving eve I hooked up with a guy and from what I remember it was stellar. Last week I was supposed to get my period on Wednesday. Come Friday, still no dice. This is when I began to panic a little. This is also when I am grateful that I have the world’s greatest friends. I called Joe Joe and told him about my predicament and he immediately made me feel better by saying that he would put my abortion on his credit card so that he could get reward points. By this point I am sure you all know that I ended up getting my period and that I am going to burn in Hell. Well, that may be so, but I can live with that. Just like I can live with the fact I won’t be getting a child I don’t want this year for Christmas.