My love hate relationship with the laundromat

I usually spend my Fridays like anyone else would, doing laundry, going to the strip club, drinking coffee, taking shots of tequila, grocery shopping, going to the bank, having sex with black men, mowing my neighbors yard, playing Pictonary with my cat, doing crosswords at a burrito bar, pointing at the white trash people that live down the road and cleaning Satan's litter box.

But, I fucking hate the laundromat. If I made two hundred extra dollars a month I would pay someone to do my laundry for me. I would say fifty dollars but my shit stiiiiiinnnnnnnkkkkkkkks.

By the way, doesn't the sink I drew in this "cartoon" look like a face? I thought so too.

peace out bitches.

How to lose track of a decade

Listen bitches... I know you are all probably extremely upset for my lack of blogging lately, but seriously, I am fucking important. So we should start Here.

Okay, so, in the last three months this is what my life has entailed.. I got my own place, fucking score. I live there with my cat, Borris, who I am certain attempts to kill my while I sleep. He has a little bit of Satan in him and though I pretend it doesn't bother me because I am a big fan of Satan and all of his work, it sort of does.

Tito and Victor can both burn in hell. Actually, they can burn in heaven. I wouldn't want them anywhere near the master himself, Satan. I know what you're thinking.. "Chelsea, when did you get to be so into Satan?" And well, the truth is I have no fucking clue. Probably as of this morning when I woke up and Borris was laying on top of me with red devil eyes planning his attack. Anyway, back to Tito and Victor.. They live upstairs from me and refuse to reason with me on a simple bill that we share.. All of that shit is super boring to you. My revenge to them is that I put porn on 24/7 as loud as it goes on my tv. And, when I have sex in my house I am as loud as humanly possible even if the sex sucks. Sorry to the boys I have slept with in the past couple months but, it probably wasn't that great.

ALSO- I got promoted at my job at the coffee shop which is still a huge surprise to me because I come in slightly hung over every day and write my phone number on the cups to every man I find slightly attractive or at least the men I think would be good to bring home and sleep with. I have recently only started dating older men. I like this. If I had a therapist they would probably tell me it is because I have "Daddy Issues" but what the fuck does that mean really. I just want someone to take me to PF Changs. Shit.

I interviewed Adam Lambert and we talked for twenty minutes about the spot in his head that his stylist shaved off for him which really doesn't matter anymore because that was back in June and I am sure it has grown back now. Nobody will even know who Adam Lambert is in a few months from now.

My friend Gigi gave me this sweet vintage jacket that I was skeptical about at first but she was all, "Chels it looks fucking great on you." and I was all, "I don't know it has really big sleeves" and she was all "Whatever sleeves are in this year" So with that said, I guess sleeves are big this year. Literally.

 So Anyway,  I am still fucking fabulous and that is the most important thing, right?

Why I wish Dr. Dre was my dad

At one time or another I am sure all of us have wished that our parents were celebrities. My sister has always wished that Christopher Walkin was her dad. This girl I once met, who was in her early 20's once told me that she wanted Ashton Kutcher to be her dad. When I asked the girl why, she said, "because he's hotttt." Excuse me?? What do you mean, because he's hot?? Are you planning on fucking your dad, lady??

I want Dr. Dre to be my dad so bad you guys. I know most of you have forgotten about Dre.. But, I think he would really be the dream dad. I Can only imagine how sweet my life would be if Dr. Dre was my dad. I would have so much gold it would look like Lil' Wayne and Cleopatra threw up on me. I would probably walk everywhere I went just so I could blind people with my bling, but still, I would have an unnecessary amount of cars, or "whips" as my fake celebrity dad, Dr. Dre would say. I bet if he was my dad I would have an Uncle Cent an Uncle Dogg and an Uncle Eminem. Also, growing up I would never have been in trouble if, What would he say? "You're grounded for getting caught smoking cigarettes." "Excuse me?? Are you serious right now, dad???? You were in a gang.... You've shot people... You and Uncle Dogg smoke 10 blunts in our basement a day." My favorite part about my fake life where my Dr. Dre is my dad is the posse and the nicknames I would have.. Lil Dre, Chelsea Dre, Dr. Chelsea. Those names actually don't sound sweet at all. You know what does sound sweet though??





Hang gliding.

a little ramble and why you should never eat oreo's in public

Ok, we are going to start now. I don't have very much time. Actually, that's not true I have as much time as it took for me to figure out why Tito has DJ Sammy on his IPod..... 30 minutes. It would have been 20 but it took me an additional 10 to realize that DJ Sammy was not the same artist I was thinking of.

And now I have just wasted about 7 minutes. It would have been 5 but I spent 2 staring at the wall. Seriously, anyway, there is something I must tell everyone and that is that if you are eating an Oreo and somebody asks you a question, be prepared that when you open your mouth it is going to look like someone shit in it. This is not attractive.. and even though the person asking you the question knows you are eating the Oreo, they are still going to think you're weird because it's going to look like you have shit in your mouth. So, that is the tip of the day I guess. Oh yeah, and don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Ok, now that I have done my part in being a good citizen I can be free to go do all of the best things with my day.

LUDA, LUDA, LUDACRIS!!!! and my 20 minute conversation with victors mom.

I Woke-up, had coffee, talked to Joe Joe for an hour.

Joe Joe: My sassy, delicious, awesome, most fantastic, vegantastic, aspiring governor of New York, home owning, gardening, gentle, house building, super tall friend.

Blah, blah, blah.. Let's start here.

phone conversation

Me: Hey Carol
Carol (Victors mom): Hi sweetie! (*my name for all of my friends moms who can't remember my name)
Me: Carol, do you mind if I ask you a few questions for an article we are putting together for The City Pulse on the history of gay bars in Lansing?
Carol: Oh well, I don't know if I could be much use to you, I didn't go out much in the 60's.. I'll tell you what I didn't go out much when I was in my 60's, I mean when I lived in the 60's
Me: Whatever you can help me with is fine Carol, no worries either way.
Carol: Oh well ok, that sounds good.... Like I said though I wasn't really going out much in the 60's and 70's I had just graduated high school in 1967 and I'll tell you what I didn't go out very much. I was definitely not going to gay bars.
Me: Why not?
Carol: Oh that was all hush, hush.. I have only been to a gay club one time in my life when I was in Atlanta and I went with my sword swallowing friend who dressed in drag and did acrobats, oh sweetie, it was a great time.
Me: anytime you are with a sword swallower it's a good time.
courtesy awkward laugh
Me: Oh Carol.
Carol: Oh I just wish I could be more help but well, I just didn't go out to any gay clubs in the 60's or 70's. (*no, you are not fucked up, Carol has said the a few times.)
Me: Carol, may I ask, what did you do after high school if you weren't out partying and shakin' your thing?
Carol: Oh well, I got kicked out of my mama's house and then I got 2 jobs. I worked 2 jobs and then I got married. And then I divorced. And then I got married. And then I worked a few jobs. And then I got divorced. And then I had a kid. And then I got married. And then I sold knock off hand bags on the side of the road. Just kidding that never happened. And then I got divorced. And then I got another job. And then I got married.(*this is still going on) And then I had another kid. And then I got divorced. And then I had a boyfriend. And then I had menopause. And then I got 2 jobs. I didn't really have time to go out.
Me: Carol, you're life is so adventurous! I bet you have lived in a lot of different houses.
Carol: .... I was a gypsy in my past life...
super. awkward. pause.
Me: Okay well Carol, It was super great talking to you...
Carol: Oh yes dear, I am just so sorry I couldn't be more help to you. If I would have went out in the 60's and 70's I guess I would have more to say.
Me: That's ok.

After another 3 attempts to get her off the phone I finally just gave her back to Victor while she was in mid sentence...... Carol's a drinker.

Oh, let's see what else is exciting in my life. Oh yeah, I am interviewing Ludacris next month.

If you're jealous it's because you should be.

i would never take claim to being roseanne barr's fashion stylist in her 90's sitcom. no fucking way.

It is day 2 of Twatface's HIV and I am starting to feel like I am really neglecting her in this time of need. Instead of rushing in to get her fixed I continue to procrastinate and stare at her tucked behind the couch as I eat a cigarette. I mean freezer pop. Sorry. I was looking at a cigarette as I typed that. I also don't know why I am referring to my laptop as a female I don't even refer to Rupaul in such a way. Anyway, using Tito's computer has really got me to wondering what the definition of a computer is. I have always been under the assumption that a computer is a machine that you compute data to and it does what YOU the owner tells it to. This is not true. The definition of computer is: Computer- crazy, stressful, clusterfuck of aggravation. And this is where I start getting mad at myself for picking on a fucking computer. Seriously, there are so many other things going on that I can be doing or focusing on. I have always wanted to master different positions that may come in handy while playing Twister. Also, I have been meaning to make Louise (cat) a fort. I don't have to spend any of my time thinking of different ways to demolish any "computer". I just really need to deal with it and move on.

So, moving on. I am so stoked to start pimping out my 20SB Page. I am so fucking stoked on it you guys, and you should be to.

survey says: what a bust. but on a good note, i'm not bald.

We'll begin here. I don't know why but, about 87% of the time I write my title to my posts in all smaller case letters. I know the correct way to make a sentence and yet I still do it that way. Weird. Also, about 85% of the time I just want to be Lady Gaga. Anyway, seriously, what I am about to type has nothing to do with what I just wrote. Sorry.

There are two things that scare me more frequently then being bald and losing all of my teeth. Those things are:

1. Waking up and not having any coffee
2. My computer crashes before I finally get around to backing up a universe of everything that makes my life complete.

So, I have been using a computer for the majority of my life. You would think along the way someone would have told me that spyware software isn't a scam? Did anyone else know that your computer doesn't just automatically fix and rid any poisonous shit that it encounters on a day to day bases, unless you have a Mac. Somebody did once tell me that Apple computers are the Magic Johnson of computers. So, with that said I'll bring you up to speed. I wish I would have bought a Mac and my computer has a virus. I know you're probably thinking that I am freaking out over this and I am, but, I don't know how serious it is. I'm not a computer doctor so I think that it is best to try and stay calm until the real computer doctors figure it out. I am hopeful and you should all be too. We'll get through this. But, until I get twatface (the name of my computer) to the doctor I will be using Tito's Macintosh to write my posts and it is a dinosaur space machine, if that makes sense, so there will be no pictures on my blurbs. So, deal with it I guess.

Also, I haven't had any coffee yet and I have been up for 3 hours now. Fuck.