All My Single Ladies?

Is it sad that the longest relationship I've had is with the Norton Security software on my computer? We're in the middle of a break-up right now though. It has been going on for about three years now and the first year was great! He served his purpose of fulfilling what I needed from him and still gave me my space.. It was really nice. The second year wasn't as great, he started to question my commitment to him by asking me if this was legit like three times a week. But now, he has really fucking derailed. He is popping up all over the place, needy as hell,  whenever I am in the middle of something important.. "Renew?!?! Are you going to Renew me? Don't you love me anymore? Renew, Renew, Renew!" No, Fuck off. This relationship has expired just like the orange juice in my refrigerator. So, if anyone knows any other software that will protect me, I am on the market! -Insert single ladies chorus here-

Let's talk about that. My dating life. I average about three dates every two weeks and it seems like I keep going out with these pompous Betties. You know, the real pretty ones that almost look gay and claim they aren't because they play the guitar and have a beard and listen to underground hip-hop music, but only because of political reasons. Which makes no sense to me. At all. I would never think it would be that hard to find a straight man, that is a vegetarian who dresses like Mr. Rogers, who has a good job as a social worker or kindergarten teacher, that will do my dishes and not judge me for eating four buckets of popcorn at the movies. Something you must know about me.. we may have discussed this, but, I fucking love a good deal. If there are free refills on something I am so getting down with it. And, popcorn in my favorite food so suck it, really. ALSO- This perfect male must be smart enough to tell me not to give our children lighters and wine corks to play with like I do my cat.

Double also-- Remind me to please never be one of those people who say, "I don't need a boyfriend, I have my cat."

Triple also--tonight is my last night with Bernie Mac. I know you're probably thinking.. "Umm, Chelsea.. your last night with Bernie Mac was like three years ago." And, I meant the dog, dummies.

I met somebody once that actually would go home to watch Bernie Mac reruns on channel 5 at 7:00 and 7:30. This person never became my friend.